I went there before my story will really begin. I was about 15, my mom not yet 40. I needed new Vans. NEEDED. They always had the seasonal ones in my size there. I found them. Them. They were blue. A little fuzzy like tennis balls. I affectionately called them my blue balls. They were to be confused with no others.
Then came the day I went downtown in those uncomfortable heels. To stand with Ethan, to watch my uncle kiss another man to become Holy. People who hate to love what they love and persecute their brothers. But it was love and we were there to show support so we could go get a puppy. Take some, lose some.
Fast forward a bit to Sally. A stranger had seen puppies in a backpack and well, we had $50 so we were going to do our part. We went to a strangers house and out came a little Sally out of a backpack. A cute little puppy. I was so happy to have this little critter in my life until about a few months or so later when I took off for another week of camp and my precious Blue Balls became breakfast! Sad panda.
Keep in mind these were seasonal and well of course by time I have money for new ones they are long gone. I cut my losses, there will be others. That following summer Kaylee and I go on a all day bike ride adventure. We happened to be in the area of J's and well by this time they were really closing. For reals. I suggest we go in and Kaylee lovingly rolls here eyes because the last thing this dork needs is another pair of shoes. All I had to tell her was that I had $10 to my name and there was no way we were going to find anything for nothing. That fucking jungle of J's was ripped apart. Stripped. We went into the spare room and of course they have one pair left of the Blue Balls left in my size for $9. Fate? Kaylee could have killed me I am sure.
Throwbacks. I am thrown violently forward to this morning when I sit on the edge of my bed. I look down on my feet. I am 23 now. 7 years. That's how long your cells live for. Every 7 years you become something wholly new. I can remember ever significant time I have looked down and seen these blue fuzzy shoes on my feet.
Every morning I used to meet Ethan in front of Larsson and walk with him across the field to his music class at Lincoln. One time we were walking and we were discussing things that were unnatural. In this case it was mini-vans driving across grass. Yup, me and E for ya. And don't ya know as we were talking about it a van drove across the field in front of us and somehow it made perfect sense. They were there.
There was the night I treated myself like a science experiment. I had so many chemicals in my body. I was a walking/puking biohazard. I couldn't have been happier for death. It was something I prayed for and wanted more than my next step or breath. Someone I would have never believed or ever taken seriously looked at me. Picked me up and carried me. He told me that there was love and faith and everything was trivial. It was this person who saved my life. That night he carried me as I faded in and out. Every false spurt of strength I looked down. My balls were a little off that night but they were there.
On a kitchen floor the rubber soles supported all our weight as I held you and you cried and spilled your wisdom on my shoulder. You are gone now to someplace better. I know the tears of your heavy heart were too strong for this world to handle. I can look down and hear every word you spoke written in stone. You will never leave my heart.
I walked in the door to my place called home to find you on the couch. There was you. I never could have known all the paths we were to take. You. Who hated the shoes I carry will never understand. You will never understand me for what I am but I appreciate your every attempt to love me. I wish you well and all the great things you deserve. You deserve the world. It's just not me. Never forget the shoes you hated carried me to you.
These shoes have seen all the trails and marshes of Silver Lake and Half Moon bay and back. Junkyards and barns. The first time I shot my first gun. They were with me through so many years and new chapters to people who will forever make me smile and never forget how delicate the balance of life really is. People all over the world who will never forget.
Rant came out one fine summer. Chuck the glorious genius in all his glory had his opening night in my new world. I went. Happy times. I wore the shoes. They were rested on the seat in front of me. I could hear every word and remember the answers to the quiz. The safe word is poodle.
It was a scene out of a movie. We sat on the cold concrete staring off into the night. Smelling the rain and hearing the cars on the bridge above. Your hand was in mine and our feet dangled bouncing off the concrete. Things make sense in chaos with simplicity. We are alive.
In the last six months I have come to many conclusions in life and love. After a long train of hard lessons and amazing memories I have seen many changes. A new path has begun to unfold. It is in these conscientious moments I am able to see the answers will find you when they are ready. These may have been things I have looked relentlessly in the past for, tooth and nail. If I would have found them then, it would have made no sense once so ever. I was not ready.
Today I looked down. I looked down on all the yesterdays. There were all there on my foundation. They always will be. Today when I walked out the door I walked out ready to fight for my life.
